How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
jump out the window naked night went bad
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
