I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
