Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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