He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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