I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
