hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
