I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
