Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
