The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
