just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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