maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
