Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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