matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
