Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
