Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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