were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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