I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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