I'm really into asian looking animals
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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