Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
