Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
