Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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