I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
