I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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