I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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