Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
