If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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