Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The Olympian is in my bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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