Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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