You can't special order awesome
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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