i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
