i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
