I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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