Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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