"it" just moved
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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