i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
