that's an acceptable place to lick
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
