so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
