Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
