I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He has the fingertips of a God
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