no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i think my cat just said my name.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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