youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
