I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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