I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
