I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
