the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
