I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
