Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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