Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
