I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
