Your face is a jimmy john
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
