Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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